If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
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[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.