If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
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I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.