If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
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It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.