[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
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I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I have a new favorite meme page
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters