If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
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Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm