“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
There is no “ea” in Tim.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.