@SondraDeeMe

If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.

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@fanofhell

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

@squirrel74wkgn

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

@XplodingUnicorn

My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.

I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.

Just kidding.

I moved the damn towel.

@adilansari

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

@ThugRaccoons

Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine

Me: That took guts, LOL

Patient: Who is that guy?

Surgeon: I thought you knew him

@clichedout

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

@iwearaonesie

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

@envydatropic

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

@DaddyJew

*throws $100 worth of coins in the wishing well* I wish I was better with money