If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
mmm onion ringos
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter