If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
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It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
We avoided this particular disaster
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.