The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
estão todos miauvindo?
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️