If we had gender equality we’d ALL give birth through our ass. And no more Men from Mars & Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.

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[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup


“How much for the supermodel?” *winks seductively

“Ma’am, that’s a mirror and you appear to be having a stroke.”


Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”


ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.


*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again


at a work conference yesterday we were asked why people don’t ask to work from home more. we could send answers anonymously and they’d appear on a big screen. one answer read in 72pt font: “because I do not like my children”


ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share


Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May