Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Why do meteors always land in craters?
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I already tried new things thanks.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.