If we have learned anything from the Friday the 13th movies, it’s that Jason mainly kills people having sex. Most of you should be good.

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“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.

“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”


Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat


Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.


I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween


Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work


Heading out for drinks, bail money’s on top of the fridge.


Turns out telling a friend “you’re giving off a weird vibe tonight” is not the most direct way to tell them they’re on fire