If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
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My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Breaking news:
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.