If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
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Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
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