if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”