Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
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BaD BoY!!
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.