If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
You Might Also Like
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Batman v Dracula
I never needed anything more in my life
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.