If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Saturday
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.