@Pork_Chop_Hair

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

@markydoodoo

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

@AdamBroud

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

@CMFC99

My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.

@Ristolable

I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it

@BastardProphet

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

@jakob_huber

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

@TheBoydP

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.