[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
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Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Only a mother’s love …
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.