If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
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SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry