If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
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DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Midwest trash talk
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
I know
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.