I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
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I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy: