If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.