Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?

CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—

CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die

BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I wish all tests were things you peed on

My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.

Kid #1: “I’m scared of monsters.”

*spend 45 minutes hugging & comforting child*

Kid #6:”I’m scared of monsters.”

Me: “Eh, the cat’ll get them. G’night!”

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you

Spider:

me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

A woman drives into a bar.

Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.

I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.