If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.