HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
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At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
How did we not see this back then?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.