If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
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BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
The Friday File.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
this is so top tier i cant
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history