People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
They did not think through this water fountain
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
won’t smith
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Phonetics
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night