If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
this will hang in the louvre one day
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
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