If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
You Might Also Like
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design