“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
You Might Also Like
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Duck typos.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?