In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
the noise i just made
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.