@MichaelLarrick

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

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@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@urmumsausername

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

@julianasxm

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

@OctopusCaveman

My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!

@Be___Dope

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

@CheryeDavis

If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.

@justliamwilson

So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.

@jsam1126

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

@KentWGraham

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

@Cycloptomese

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.