If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
when u come home smelling like another dog
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.