If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
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The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti