I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
If white people know how to say Daenerys Targaryen, they can learn to pronounce your name correctly.
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I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
I’m just sayin’
*runs my fingers thru your hair*
*pulls your head back*
*looks you in the eye*
Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?
“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”
“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..