@kirkobainz

If white people know how to say Daenerys Targaryen, they can learn to pronounce your name correctly.

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@1Happytwit

I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.

@CheryeDavis

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

@hereholddeez

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

@MartaEffing

*runs my fingers thru your hair*
*tightens grip*
*pulls your head back*
*looks you in the eye*

Me: WTF do you mean you ate the last donut?

@tdwyer618

“Dad, why did Jesus have to die on the cross?”

“He didn’t do his 1st grade homework.”

@MarkBuckawicki

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

@KaysNH

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

@Mostly_Cheese

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

@DadandBuried

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

@faizziy

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..