This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
sugar glider wrangler
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
How software testing works
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
When I grow up, I want to be 16
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.