If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.