If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
The devil.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I think my mom just blocked me
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”