Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
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Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.