@threeinchgiant

If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.

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@thefishpants

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

@SkippyMcGizzard

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

@Sal0630

A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.

@theshantilly

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

@cowboyjeffkent

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

@mommajessiec

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

@markedly

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

@ericsshadow

1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have ‘lady problems’ then start crying. It works even better for guys.

@iamspacegirl

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.