@clarkekant

If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?

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@JohnLyonTweets

Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …

@QwertyJones3

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

@heymonroe

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

@shot_of_cabo

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

@Gooooats

I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.

@envydatropic

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

@XplodingUnicorn

[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails

@JasonLastname

I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.