If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?

You Might Also Like


Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?

Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.

Customer: …


[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”



Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.


If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.


I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.


I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.


My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”


[hardware store]

Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff

Wife: Fine

Clerk: Can I help you?

Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails


I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.