Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
If women do the splits, do men do the banana splits?
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[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
I live in my parent’s basement so I had to dig a deeper basement for my kids to live in. In 20 generations we will reach the Earth’s core.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
I bet the best massage in the world is getting attacked by a toothless shark.