Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
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[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.