“Ewww how’d that get in the house? I don’t wanna kill it. I’ll just put it outside”
*scoops your baby up in a tissue*
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Me: I know our time together is over. I want you to know that I’ll always treasure the memories and I don’t think anything will make me feel as amazing as you did
Husband: Could you please stop crying and talking to your empty plate. The waiter is scared and people are staring
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
[at funeral parlor with bereaved girlfriend]
HER: You think these glass urns are a good idea?
ME: Remains to be seen.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.