I’m no different than any other bachelor.
I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Fashion Facts –
Adam was the first designer-
with his Eden line of clothing
Eve wore his first creation-
the ribbed t-shirt with fig leaf
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.