If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

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I’m no different than any other bachelor.

I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.


Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.

Me: just tell her to use the force lol.



Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?

Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.


*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back


[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*


Fashion Facts –

Adam was the first designer-
with his Eden line of clothing

Eve wore his first creation-
the ribbed t-shirt with fig leaf


*Day 9 of quarantine*

Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?


Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.

Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.