If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
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Super Hand Dog Face
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe