If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken