If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

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My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.


[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *


I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.


Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.


Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license


I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.


My cat waited until I was on the phone with a very important customer to come into the room and start SHRIEKING at a bug, because he won’t stop until I assure him he’s the bravest hunter in all the land and then bring the bug outside…


alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I’m batman.