@ElleOhHell

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

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@Gupton68

My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.

Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.

@SirEviscerate

[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *

@jellybnbonanza

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

@Bizarro_Mark

Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.

@RickAaron

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

@Pundamentalism

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

@NoDMGen

My cat waited until I was on the phone with a very important customer to come into the room and start SHRIEKING at a bug, because he won’t stop until I assure him he’s the bravest hunter in all the land and then bring the bug outside…

@whatdreamsmaygo

alcohol has an odd way of revealing who we really are. turns out, I’m batman.