WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
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6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
H: Your mom is very smart
Things that don’t exist:
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I heard someone say a guy on TV “oozes sexiness.”
I don’t think oozing is very sexy at all.
If something oozes, it’s probably infected.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Every time I lose a sock I like to imagine it went to set one of Dobby’s house elf friends free.
Daughter: Dad do Zombies exist?
Dad: No dear they’re people wearing lots of makeup.
Daughter: Oh like mommy?
Dad: Close enough.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!