Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
it was love at first sight
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.