do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
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[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I don’t make the rules sorry
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost