If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
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You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.