*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
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Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Once upon a time there was a lot of food in my house and I ate it all.
Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
You’d think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she’d be thinner.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.