@roywoodjr

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

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@DianeP89

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

@davidkenny100

Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
POOOF
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium

@krisv_723

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

@hunbothered

Once upon a time there was a lot of food in my house and I ate it all.

The End

@jsaffle1

Funny how old trash yards always have so much razor wire on the fence
If I want that trash bad enough no amount of razors will stop me

@GringoBrulee

HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?

Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.

@mrjohndarby

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

@FrauFickenDammt

You’d think with all the hiking Dora the Explorer does, she’d be thinner.

@jordan_stratton

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.