[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
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“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?