Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
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Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.
My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance
dispatch: copy that
me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs