If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
They must have gotten it to go.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect