@squirrel74wkgn

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

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@heymonroe

Hope I’m never tortured, because I just pulled a hangnail off my finger and now this entire restaurant knows my pin number.

@JB4Realz

Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.

@SamDelanche

My boss just asked if I’m illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

@cupcakelogic

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

@MrFjayy

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

@daddydoubts

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer

@maebemarbles

Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs