If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.


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[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”


“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”



ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.


I squish my belly fat around during serious conversations because I have intimacy issues.


If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano


Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”


If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.


wife: do u want a glass of water?

me: of what?

wife: water

me: a glass of what?

wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup


If we can’t hit our kids, what’s next? A society slowly becoming less violent as we learn more about child development and human psychology?