Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
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ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[with my pet bird at the park]
Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute
Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me
Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG
“Hi Mom, leave a message”