If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

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Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
I apologize for bringing it in here last night. There was alcohol involved. Can we keep him?


ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion


I just want to find a beautiful house where a terrible crime has happened and so is being sold for well below market value


Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand


It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.


My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea


Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.


[with my pet bird at the park]

Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute

Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me


Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG