@ElizaBayne

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

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@zakagan

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

@SirEviscerate

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah

@RodLacroix

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

@bobvulfov

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

@Ideal_Victoria

What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?

@jordanalexissss

sober in uber: please stop talking to me
drunk in uber: …and that Mike, is why I’m emotionally unavailable I suppose.

@pittdave13

I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on

@butterwolf

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.