If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
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Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I need this for my side hustle.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆