If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
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A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Just this preview of the story is enough
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.