If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
You Might Also Like
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I just love that new Pope smell.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE