[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“Didn’t think so”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
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*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*takes a nap*
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you’re getting ready to take hostages.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*wipes pizza grease & sauce off mouth*
I stopped using a CONDOM after NIVEA started offering 48 Hours protection
Why protect myself Twice?😕😒
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.