If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.

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[speaking to a guy who looks nothing like Ed Sheeran]
“Hey man, do people ever say you look like Ed Sheeran?”
“Didn’t think so”


*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*


My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.


Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you’re getting ready to take hostages.


*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.


I stopped using a CONDOM after NIVEA started offering 48 Hours protection

Why protect myself Twice?😕😒


Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*


Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend

Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread


I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.