Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work

Him: I-

Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER

I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant

me: wow you must be pretty hoarse

dracula: why would I be hoarse

me: from all that coffin lmao

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.

Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.

Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.

Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.

My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!

*hyperventilates*

*vomits*

Me: It’s for the dog.

8: Oh. Can I have a snack?

My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.

You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.

What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.

If you know, you know

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.