If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.